Day 18: Not sad about it

When I say “hope is stupid,” it’s not a sad thing or a bad thing.  Actually, when I let go of hope, it makes me feel lighter somehow.  Hope feels like a crutch that is faulty.  It’s not that I don’t need a crutch now and again, but it’s that I recognize there are sturdier crutches for me.  When I don’t feel hope, that doesn’t mean I feel hopelessness or despair.  It actually makes me feel better to not count on something that could be so flimsy.  It frees up space inside me somehow.  It feels good to not hope. 

When I say I don’t buy hope, people get a look on their face that says they really want me to believe in it.  It’s a look that kind of borders on pity.  It’s also a look that feels misplaced to me.  I’m leaning on things that are worth leaning on, and that feels right.  I’m not saying you have to give up on hope. I’m not even saying I won’t ever hope for anything ever again.  Hope is pretty deeply ingrained in our world, particularly if you are Christian.  It’s just not for me.

In a weird way, not relying on hope actually makes me feel more like it’s going to be oaky.  It feels more realistic.  It makes me feel stronger.  I don’t doubt that my life is a good one.  I don’t doubt that good things will happen in the future.  When I let go of hope, I can bask in the now, and that makes me feel grateful and strong.